Plants are some of the marvels of our existence, beautiful creations more detrimental to our survival as a species then most of us recognize.
Plants clean and provide our oxygen, they feed our bellies, they assist in creating our water, and so much more. If plants were to cease to exist so would our whole entire ecosystem as a whole, but yet we still do nothing to nurture our planet and these valuable marvels. We leave them in pots, unattended to, dry, thirsty, and wilted.
Humans neglect to see true power from a plants ability to survive being forsaken alone, their unwavered ability to heal from astronomical damage and become better than before.
If we continue to push down this path of ignorance; it will be to late when we come to notice just how important plants are.
Ignorance is bliss.
My thesis about plants is also my thesis about Mental Health. Our minds are these durable yet fragile, strong yet weak, controlled but not; oxymorons. Our brains sit in their skeletal pots, a majority of them forsaken. Forsaken to not enough water, sun light, and care; completely attached to us and we still neglect to love them. Mental Health is real, depression exists, and we need to realize it. For if we continue down this path of ignorance; it will be to late when we come to notice just how important our Mental Health is.
Ignorance is bliss.
It really starts with admitting, to open up about Mental Health is to begin healing our Mental Health. I've been depressed for a long time, I chalk it up to a mix of things; as early on as being bullied in grade school.
Because of that I struggled with my body image, sexuality, confidence, and self worth. But you know as a kid it's hard to navigate these things, it is harder than it seems to seek help. I don't know about anyone elses school, but mine was very small; a knit community full of generations of complacency. Because of this you were an outsider before you even had a chance to prove different. The inception of my depression was then, as life panned out the schematics of my Mental Health began to etch on the sketch.
After high school I developed unhealthy relationships with people, this led me to develop an unhealthy relationship with myself, which led me to drugs and alcohol. My brain was still stable, but after high school is where I really began to destroy my neurotransmitters, I remember hanging out with "friends" crushing up pills in the middle of a diner, and snorting them off the table at maybe nineteen years old.
I couldn't go anywhere without getting high first, I almost took a job moving some weight, I figured I could make some real money, and get mine for free.
"The more they die, the more they buy"
-Jadakiss
I backed out at the last moment, I was real about my feelings, I couldn't do it; I was more likely to get high on my own supply and end up getting murdered over $3-$5K then I was to flip for a profit. I also knew it wouldn't stop at bud, if I proved profitable i'd become an asset; inevitably I would've had to start moving the hard shit.
Truth is I just wasn't built to be a drug dealer. Let me move some dimes for a little profit i'd be happy, fortunately, that wasn't the ask.
Fortunately, I had come up with this person and my honesty was appreciated; our relationship still holds secure to this day, the individual ultimately ended up in prison and is currently still incarcerated.
While I thought I was a "G", a real one. My plant was wilting, desperate for water and light. My ignorance was bliss, the problem was the only time I felt good was when I was numb. My whole existence for a few years was hanging with "friends" and getting hammered, the crazy part is half of the people I was around didn't even really want me around.
It was like they were judging me for being exactly like them; how backwards is that shit? My Mental Health really began to diminish, I thought being in a relationship would fix me. This led me to become involved in toxic relationships, I was working a dead end job, stealing, and lying all the time.
I got arrested quite a few times, I was close to really being jammed up. Honestly, it probably would've did me some good. Or possibly made me a career criminal? I have always said in another life I would've liked to have been in a crime family. Work my way up the ranks, get rich, gold Rolex, it would've been a fast life, more than likely cut short; but man what a fucking ride.
Anywayyyyy...
I wanted to create a picture of where I was then, I feel like a lot of people can relate. I would navigate my depressions for years to come, still never nurturing my plant wilted in the pot. Like a majority of us talking about our feelings was not a familiar entity to me, my family and friends do not operate that way.
It wasn't until 2016 when I knew I needed help, that was the first time I wanted to die. I never knew there could be a thought of suicide in me.
It was weird, it was scary, being alone with the thought made me feel more susceptible to it. I thought about it long and hard, this is the first time im speaking about it outside of therapy and a few individuals.
My deliberation led me to realize I am human, like a wilted plant in the pot I can nurture myself back to health. I chose to stay in my physical form, I began reading books, and training martial arts.
Drinking water, eating cleaner, losing weight; I quit smoking and slowed down on the alcohol. My life began to change, but the depression always lingered; depression is funny like that, it never really goes away. The brain is repairable, trainable, but you can not wipe it clean like a hard drive; the damage always remains we just adapt to it.
I am a beautiful disaster.
Martial arts was my first step towards recovery, people ask me all the time why I put myself through it at my age if I have no plans to fight professionally.
Martial Arts teaches one discipline, poise, confidence, and integrity; because of it I've become calmer in tense situations. Because of Martial Arts I met my Kim, my purpose to be great; the missing piece to my complex puzzle.
My Mental Health healed exponentially because of training, I also get to heal the bullied youth internally because now he'll never be picked on again. Kim, combat sports, a career change, and therapy together are my armor against depression; because of them I am more excited than i've ever been to be alive.
I kind of went off the deep end here, I guess I hope that by being open about my mental health issues it will make some realize that you are not alone. While it's not ok, it's ok to be not ok; and you should find solice in knowing not ok is completely ok.
But what is not ok, is not talking about it; the weight that gets lifted off when you open up about your Mental Health is life changing. Talking about our Mental Health is the first step to getting that plant to blossom, to no longer be wilted in the pot.
Depression never goes away, we just become better at navigating it as we grow, as we fill in the blanks to our happiness. I have days, days where the darkness is there and I have no motivation. Days where even in the perfect of scenarios I depict this irritated emotion to those around me.
My neurotransmitters are damaged, while I don't want to feel that way; it is just part of who I am now. Understanding this is allowing me to navigate my days strategically, the reality is I have way more sunny days than rainy. A support system is priceless in healing your Mental Health, a support system can be just one person or a multitude of things.
Mine is my wife, martial arts, and therapy; my career change has helped as well, so far I feel understood by the right people which is all I need.
Take the time and have pride in creating your support system, find a way to ignore those who show disregard for your Mental Health. You have to put you first in order to heal, the right people will understand this, the right people will be right by your side being that support system.
I used to feel selfish for putting myself first, I would tip toe around others in an attempt to not ruffle feathers; even if I knew the person was wrong. I am physically strong, physically there are not many average joes who can beat me; I am a dangerous human being.
But I was weak as a critical thinker, I was weak on the inside, because the years of backing down had me programmed; even as a man.
As I grow internally and really focus on protecting my Mental Health, my choice to back down is a preference dictated by the situation at hand; an understanding that more often than not the man across from me is infirm. I can speak up now when I feel wronged, I have the confidence to be ok being who I am.
I took the first steps that saved my life, meeting Kim rehabilitated my heart; because of her im less angry. Because of my Boop I know I deserve to be here physically, as my plant becomes less wilted in the pot I find myself serene.
I hope you can find a way to choose you, water your plant, and never forget how worthy you are.
With much love.
-Chris Roes
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