Fruitful and well-watered, what comes to mind? For me I think health, wealth, conditioned, and strong.
When I vision fruitful, well-watered; I envision Eden. No matter what your biblical preferences are the one thing I believe to be static is we all want to live in our own Gardens of Eden.
A place where we have the best living, most delicious eating, and heavily funded pockets. A life where we are strong, mentally sound, in love, and wise. The problem with our visions of Eden is most of us never take into consideration the sacrifices entailed to get there. Most of us never seize the opportunity to make the sacrifices required to get there.
I write this because I feel very fortunate that my journey has brought me to where I am today. From the outside looking in I like to think people have their assumptions of how I got here; especially if those generating the assumptions knew me as far back as 2015.
But my reality is while I may have found my way to Eden now, there is still a deep pain for what I left behind to get here.
Some of my best friends I never see anymore, our relationships have gone from consistent linking up, to a happy birthday text here and there. My sister and I have become two completely different people, when we do see each other there is never enough time to get updated. My mother and I catch up here and there, she does visit once in a blue, but again I've seen her maybe ten times in seven years. My best friend, the reason I avoided sleeping on the street; we continue to slowly drift apart. Not for hate or animosity, but simply because our universes are no longer parallel.
When I do finally get to see everyone from my past, I can't help but feel this disconnect, it's almost like getting to know the person all over again. I never thought when I moved to Florida things would change this much, I just wanted the darkness from my past to loosen its grip. It did, I've become who I am, and I carry no shame in that; I am proud of my accomplishment.
It's just that 95% of the people from my previous life have become text messages and still photos on social media. Even as I take the mornings in on the water in my Eden, I can't help but feel melancholic sometimes. I can't help but feel selfish some days for my lack of communication and consumption of self in my own realm. I combat the demons with the knowledge that if I didn't escape and become who I've become. I'd still be caught in the perpetual void that was my life in New Jersey.
My existence is fruitful and well-watered, yes. But the sacrifices that were made to get here will forever leave a void in my heart. This is why I believe Eden is a road far less traveled, for it is safer to be ok with what is.
To seek and earn prosperity is to make sacrifices that will most likely lead to our current existence becoming just a memory. It means we have to say goodbye to some of those we care about, to some of those we love; but it is a necessary evil that is required if we want to prosper in our Edens.
I think this is why Thanos' thought process makes so much sense to me in Infinity War and End Game. I mean, Thanos definitely took it to a more extreme place. But his core reason behind the finger snap, it really does resonate with me deep.
You can't be your best you if you don't put you first. To be fruitful and well-watered is painfully beautiful, it is an ache worth enduring.
Christopher J. Roes
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